Being Real: Disconnected

I am not really sure where to begin… life really is about the journey and experiences had, while not the destination.  However, our journey and experiences along the way do help direct the destination!

Life as a prison chaplain is not an easy one, nor is it a glamorous one.  Most days I feel like Santa Claus with all of the requests of “I want…”, “I want…”.

The road of a prison chaplain can be a very lonely one, trying to meet the needs of others and just being present for others can be at times draining- but very meaningful (at least that is what I keep telling myself).

I guess finding meaning in the mundane is what I am looking for.  The very title of chaplain assumes at least some connection to God, but as of recently, that connection feels, well… disconnected.

Michelangelo “Creation of Adam”

At one point in time, I knew You were there…seeing You in the little things and in the big things, nothing seemed too big or too small for Your presence to be known.  Now, I am not sure what I see, the fog seems to be an overwhelming blur of any and all form of Your existence.

All that I thought I knew, seems wasted upon the truth of reality.  What I claim to know is what has been passed on to me from one to another- but what if that teaching has been misguided, not purposely, but still off target?  No wonder I feel lost, the direction I was headed in has not been true North.


While doing good is great, I somehow wonder if I have been caught up in our performance driven culture.  Who gets the academy award for best church?  best preaching?  best worship style?  best whatever!  I think I have missed something along my journey about what it means to be a true follower…after-all why be a follower when you can be a leader!

For the most part- I don’t even know how to be a good follower, let alone a good leader. Try unpacking that thought with a group of “lead or get out of the way” people.  That for me is the disconnect- how can we be leaders without also being followers, but following is not the pinnacle of success- leading is- according to our performance driven culture anyhow.

I heard a statement the other day and it still rings in my ear as I wrestle with it- “What is the opposite of love?



For all my life I would have said hate is the opposite of love?  But no actually, selfishness is the opposite of love!  And that is the disconnect that I am very much currently embedded with.




3 Comments Add yours

  1. Sue in Aqaba says:

    Don’t be afraid to ask Him the hard questions, even if the answers could potentially disrupt your life and destroy your paradigms. What if you HAVE been misled in your understanding? It wasn’t HE who did the misleading, but it WILL be He Who will redirect you and lead you into His Truth and His Presence. He is faithful to His promises. “YHVH confides in those who fear Him; He makes His covenant known to them.” (Ps 25:14 NIV)

    But, like James says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe [be ready to LIVE by it] and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord.” (James 1:5-7)

    We are told that it is only when we hunger and thirst for His righteousness, to the point that we will die if we don’t get it, that THEN we are ready to hear the real truth and live and walk in it. (Matt 5:6) Do you have that kind of desperate hunger?

    Thank you for ‘being real.’ Your heart is tender toward Him, and His Heart is tender toward you – praying with you for encouragement, new light, and new understanding. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. EsseRealis says:

      Thank you Sue for your words of encouragement. I have been reading a lot of the material and books from and have found the material challenging and frustrating all at the same time! Paradigm shifts are one thing, theological shifts seem to drive deeper to the core than a paradigm- I guess that is what I am experiencing currently on this journey!
      I appreciate your words and thank you for your sincerity!


  2. I think the questions you are asking here are valuable self-reflection, Brandon, necessary for effective chaplaincy. Being in some “fog” doesn’t feel so good, but helps us relate to so many who live their whole lives in fog! Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

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