I am not really sure where to begin… life really is about the journey and experiences had, while not the destination. However, our journey and experiences along the way do help direct the destination!
Life as a prison chaplain is not an easy one, nor is it a glamorous one. Most days I feel like Santa Claus with all of the requests of “I want…”, “I want…”.
The road of a prison chaplain can be a very lonely one, trying to meet the needs of others and just being present for others can be at times draining- but very meaningful (at least that is what I keep telling myself).
I guess finding meaning in the mundane is what I am looking for. The very title of chaplain assumes at least some connection to God, but as of recently, that connection feels, well… disconnected.
At one point in time, I knew You were there…seeing You in the little things and in the big things, nothing seemed too big or too small for Your presence to be known. Now, I am not sure what I see, the fog seems to be an overwhelming blur of any and all form of Your existence.
All that I thought I knew, seems wasted upon the truth of reality. What I claim to know is what has been passed on to me from one to another- but what if that teaching has been misguided, not purposely, but still off target? No wonder I feel lost, the direction I was headed in has not been true North.
While doing good is great, I somehow wonder if I have been caught up in our performance driven culture. Who gets the academy award for best church? best preaching? best worship style? best whatever! I think I have missed something along my journey about what it means to be a true follower…after-all why be a follower when you can be a leader!
For the most part- I don’t even know how to be a good follower, let alone a good leader. Try unpacking that thought with a group of “lead or get out of the way” people. That for me is the disconnect- how can we be leaders without also being followers, but following is not the pinnacle of success- leading is- according to our performance driven culture anyhow.
I heard a statement the other day and it still rings in my ear as I wrestle with it- “What is the opposite of love?“
For all my life I would have said hate is the opposite of love? But no actually, selfishness is the opposite of love! And that is the disconnect that I am very much currently embedded with.